Three marriages
According to the poet-philosopher David Whyte, work-life balance is a false dichotomy. Work isn’t a counterweight to what’s good and real. Nor is it an obstruction to tranquility, shimmering on a distant shore. If only we could swim that far!
In his book Three Marriages: Reimagining Work, Self and Relationship, Whyte calls balance a deadly boring concept. He says, unbalancing must take place in order to push a person into a new and larger set of circumstances.
He advises us to integrate our Three Marriages—to our vocation, our spiritual self, and our primary human partner(s)—into an ongoing dialogue. Only then can it all make sense.
Hey wait. Three marriages are not only okay but necessary?
I was drawn to the book because of my marital history. I thought it might be about love. After all, three marriages is a lot to process.
I’d finally made peace with my three choices. My two reasons for leaving. And most recently (but more than a decade ago), the stinging heartbreak of being left. No, the third time was not the charm.
Now, thanks to Whyte, I appreciate that all three of my legal unions were vital to my search for a life partner. To see them as separate events is to miss the point.
The same is true of work, life and other.
Whyte says: These hidden human dynamics of integration are more of a conversation… more of a synthesis and more of an … almost delirious quest for meaning than a simple attempt at daily ease and contentment.
As we age, we yearn to finally be understood. The biggest question—for me and maybe also for you—is how might we live a more authentic and holistic existence? How might we braid together the three primary strands of our lives?
Our work. Whether paid or volunteer, public or private, our work is a vital part of who we are. My retired friends enjoy their skiing and their Pickleball, but I imagine some of their days drag on. If my eyes fail me or I run out of ideas, or clients no longer need me, I’ll have to find another meaningful way to earn my keep on the planet.
Our primary relationships. Whether these are friends or lovers—many or just one—Whyte says it’s key that we actively share and talk with our partners about our work and our internal lives. At last! I can say this and not feel self-centered: Read my blog, dammit. Or get out of my bed!
Our internal selves. After 62 years of over-functioning, my ego is finally exhausted. She’s letting me face my fears and engage with my soul and my senses. Thank goodness! Because, as Whyte puts it: Unless we establish a loving relationship with this inner representation of our self, we fling ourselves in all directions in our outer lives, looking for love in all the wrong places.
So, my friends, here’s a proposition: Whether you’re single or coupled up. Absorbed (or not) in work you enjoy. Contemplating your navel or slip-sliding through life blissfully unaware. Perhaps it’s time to give your love freely.
Three marriages? All at the same time? I say let’s give it a try.
Welcome to the new polygamy!
