Keeping the baby alive
At home I push a button, and I have coffee.
I throw a ball of dirty clothes downstairs to the basement, and in an unthinkable act of grace, my 20-year-old son, home from college because of Covid, runs it through two machines. A few hours (or a few days) later, the clothes appear on my bed—crumpled yet clean.
Subsistence task done. Without conversation. Someplace in the background of our lives.
When that same son was an infant, all subsistence tasks laddered up to my mission in life: keeping that baby kicking.
The food I purchased. The meals I cooked. The fuel I put in the tank. All were done in service—directly or indirectly—of keeping the baby alive.
These days, we are roommates. We chip away at laundry and yard work. Food shopping and cleaning the house. Maintaining the pet and the cars.
We get our business done quietly. Without eclipsing what makes a life true. Right speech. Right action. Having fun. Being real.
Despite Covid and a host of other hurdles, I recently gave it a go with a new guy. With concerts called off and restaurants shut down, the coronavirus kept us home. We cooked and watched Netflix. He asked how I slept. How was the traffic. Whether my dog had pooped.
Other issues aside, I found some comfort in our routine. With so much danger in the world, our little hidey-hole felt safe. But without a baby to keep alive, our subsistence tasks served no higher purpose. Talking about them killed the romance.
Before long, I craved the open road. To be out in the world alone. Camping. Where there can be romance—in the practice of everyday tasks.
Finding level ground and clearing it of twigs. Hammering stakes deep into the ground. Pitching my tent and affixing the fly. Draping my hammock between trees.
I sleep well, or I don’t. The dog poops, or she doesn’t. Instead of taillights, I see stars.
And in the morning, making coffee takes many steps. I locate the matches and light the stove. Pump just enough water, wasting none. Bubbles form and rise. I add powder and watch it dissolve.
The baby is on his own now. And he helps me whenever he can.
Meanwhile, I keep things simple. I chop wood. I carry water. I do the work.
I keep myself alive.
